Betrayed

The feeling of being in love is so intense that it feels like it will last forever. And now the feeling of betrayed is so intense and it hurts like hell that it may take years to heal or probably never. Thats how you have left me broken.

you always said you loved me. you always said you cared for me. that you would always be there for me. truth is you were never there. through all those endless night, you could never stop me from crying instead you made me cry all the more.

My heart tore and you just walked away. You would have found a replacement but im as dead as im without you. My happiness went up in smoke. Everything looked gray..

Did you actually love me.?? or were you just another one to hurt me .. honestly, im already dead on the inside.. I thought you would never leave me.. now i wish i could just die... My entire world has fallen apart because of you. My mind overflows of memories of you.

I am just so tired of wanting you when i knw i can never have you.. i am tired of hoping aimlessly for you.. i hate the fact tat i gave you something i can never have back - MY HEART !!
funny though how u never once said sorry for hurting me, for breaking me .. for not loving me.

i want to run, i want to hide..from all the pain he caused inside..i want to start over, i want to feel free..but this pain will never let me be.. he doesnt love me and he never will..he will never care how i feel.. :((

baby i guess it was never meant to be.. i miss wat we used to be.. cant you see tat im dying.. i hv spent all my lonely night crying..my heart seems to shatter further everytime ur name crosses my mind..  i wish i could make you see how much you meant to me.. i was just an innocent , stupid girl to fall in love with you..

i was only made to realise tat you needed her more then anything else in ur life.. :((

That usual drama's !!

If I don't talk about you , if doesn't mean I don't think of you . I am not talking to you Coz I know I can't have you . Now please spare me those dramas !

I Tried...

Its easier for you to bask in your joy then it is for you to feel my pain..
I have tried so hard to agree with you.. and only to realize that it's not worth it..
The many nights i cry, do you even care...
I have tried so hard to prove to myself that you are the one and only in my life..
I have tried to comfort myself that you had loved me with all your heart but your actions to me proved like wise.

This month has been really hard on me.. my birthday month, esp my 21st bday..
I literally lost a friend and now on the verge of losing another loved one..
If you could rip open my heart, you'll literally see how broken it is.. and theres no one to fix it..
I wonder if you could ever acknowledge the validity of my feelings.. but its always the easy roads thats always taken and so i hurt alone..

Now imagine if i were to live a wild life just like yours.. Those wee hours returning in the morning.. or perhaps clubbing with my girlfriends drinking and getting wasted over our countrys victory in the football game.. smoking, shisha'ing once in awile.. How would you feel..wil you still accept me the way i am and pretend like it doesnt hurt.. Oh maybe you can but i cant.. why..simple reasons because i hv loved you too much.. and i care too much of your well-being cause i see future with you.. Instead, i was branded a over controlling ridiculous, irrelevant, expired girlfriend..

There was this girl and a guy who was deeply in love.. Nevertheless they shared a distance relationship.. They dont see each other that often.. The guy had a relatively wild life.. She knew.. She tried her very best to change him for the better but in vain.. they had many fights due to that.. According to him, she was annoying, irritating and such a pain he couldnt eliminate from his life.

The girl lived in a far distance across the country across the sees.. And the place she lived in wasnt a save place anymore for some recent happenings.. People of her origin were even murdered..She couldnt return back to her homeland , she had a degree to complete.. So one day she was waiting for her beloved to return so that she could talk to him.. He didnt return.. She called and left text msgs on his phone.. later to realise that he was out having a great time with frens again as always it has been that way.. She was so depressed..and had no one to turn to..

It was over 11pm already.. depression was overwhelming.. She couldnt sleep.. tried all ways to comfort herself but to no avail. So she decided to take a walk by the street.. The streets were dead as the graveyard.. She just sat by the walking path , crying to herself.. She couldnt stop thinking of him and wondering what has gone so wrong with their relationship.. She was so afraid to even call him cause she would be branded as a over controlling girlfriend.. he might even ignore her calls.. his time spent with his friends were to precious rather then to be disturbed by some ridiculous so called girlfriend who is not even there.

That night, life took a different path... She was nabbed and murdered by some low casted beggers loitering around that street .. Life ended that night.. He was such in a despair that he couldnt even forgive himself.. A little too late boy, her pain was put to rest once and for all..

Cold Emotions

My emotions are cold as the weather outside. Everything is ruined . I can't help but feel depressed . And worst of all , the person I use to turn to I can no longer turn to . He is out of my life once and for all ! It's time to move on ! I have had enough of people taking me for granted . I only live this life once and I Hv had enough of heartaches in my life . If this is the end of my relationship then so be it ! I am done with you , your words and your life !

Just another day

zipping my cofffee and thinking abt the events that occured the night before...all those heartaches, rejection, etc..
i wish i could numb my emotions just for a moment , to see what life has to offer me..
those people you think you could count on suddenly become strangers to you..
you feel unexisted.. i feel unexisted..

all i can think of now is my mom.. i just wanna be with her..
she loves me and i love her too..
i need a break from all this mess, find myself , figure out whats going on..

my emotions are currently like tsunami waves hitting my heart... i wonder when it would all be over.. coz i can no longer take the pain i feel inside..

the thought of alcohol and drugs sometimes creeps into my mind and steal away my thoughts ... but NO...
i dont wanna lose myself in the process for temporary satisfaction..

Im only a little girl living in this little word... i have no idea whats life offering me now, but i knw the waves will eventually subside... strength is needed but im losing it...

...and i dont know how much longer i can hold on to the shore...

                 

He's Breaking My Heart

How could you say you love somebody so much..
Then break their hearts..??

If life was a dream, you would be here right now with me hand in hand.. But life isnt a dream. That's why you had to leave. If life was a dream, no tears would fall from my eyes. But life isnt a dream. That's why my tears had to fall. If life was a dream, pain would not exist. But life isnt a dream. Ans that's why im hurting and you can barely feel me.

And therefore I'll pretend that...
You have always been there for me everyday of the year..
You wiped away my tears..
You made me feel special...

For this past a year and a half there has been no one else.. I feel like breaking down and I cant help myself. My feelings are broken. There's nothing left in me to balance out the pain. There's too many holes on the inside.. I keep trying to understand why you had to leave..This all doesnt make any sense to me.

The inner confusion is torturing me. If only you could see me again just once before i leave. Because I dont know about you but its been hard on me. If only i could explain so that it could be understood.

A Guys Heart..

We girls think only our heart can break , only we can hurt and only we can cry.. I have been in many relationships before.. Little did i knw, Guys heart break even deeper, even painful..

Yes, its scientifically proven tat guys appear much tougher, muscular and stronger on the outside. But what about their inside?? A Guy can hurt real bad when it comes to relationship..

Example 1 

Shower him with attention and then suddenly take it away.. trust me, your guy is gonna feel crushed.. Although they may appear all fine on the outside, but bleeding on the inside..

Example  2

Let him know how much you enjoy listening to him speak about his life and then stop asking about it.. He is gonna be crushed again..

Example 3

Be his friend, be his best friend, be his girlfriend, then pull back and be his friend all over again.. He is gonna hurt..

Example 4

Tell him how much you care about him and then tell him you dont believe in love.. His heart wil break..

When a guy cries, it only means his heart is already bleeding.. theres only so much a guys heart can take.. never let ur guy cry.. u hv no idea how painful tat can be.. 

Desires of My Heart

I want to cuddle him every night b4 i sleep
When i lay my head on his chest, i want him to put his arms around me..
I want him to pin me against the wall and plant soft kisses on my lips..
When i miss him crazy, i want him to miss me too..
When i think of him, I want him to think of me too..
When i cry, i want him to wipe away my tears and encourage me..
When i walk away from him, i want him to pull me back and hug me tight like theres no other..
I want to be his Queen, Queen of his heart..
He shud never look at other girls.. A big NO NO.. !!
I want a guy who would put me 1st b4 his friends..
A guy who would stay up late and be with me till i fall asleep..
A guy who would feed me in public without bothering wat others may think..
I want a guy who would cook for me, make me breakfast, doesnt matter if his cooking is not up to my taste buds..
A guy who would never get sick and tired of talking to me..although i can be such a bore at times..
A guy who would carry me in his arms ..
When i hang up the fon, he should call me back..
A guy who would dump 'fifa call of duty' just for me..
A guy who wud sing to me although his voice can really suck..
A guy who would dance with me..
When i scream at him, i want him to shut me up by kissing me..
A guy who would dump Thomas Sam in the bin just for my heart to smile..
I want a guy who wud story me every night b4 i sleep..
A guy who wud love me for who i am with no TERMS AND CONDITION!!

and last but not least..
I want a guy to be able to be in tune with my heart..

Bombay Toast

Ingredients

white Bread 6 slices                                                                            
Milk 1 Cup
Egg 1
Sugar 3 Tablespoon
Ghee

Method

• Beat the egg and add sugar.
• Beat it well till sugar dissolves.
• Add mix this to milk and beat well.
• Dip a slice of bread in the egg and milk batter and put it in hot tawa.
• Sprinkle ghee around the bread and turn side and cook it.
• Bombay toast is ready.

          

I hate Love

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible isn't it?

It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. 

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. 

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart ..pain. 

I hate love.

by,

Jessica.

Histo - Anat

Histology: 

1. The transitional zone at the tip of the pointer is termed as the ora serrata, the junction point between the retina (optic part) and the ciliary body (which is lined by the iris part).
2. The pointed delicate fibers are termed as zonula Zinnii, which connects the lens to the ciliary body
3. The hollow structure at the tip of the pointer is termed as the canal of Schlemm, which drains the aqueous humor
4. The pointed layer is the retinal pigmented epithelium. The structure just left to it is the choroid.
5. The shallow depression at the tip of the pointer is termed as the optic disc, while the mulitilayered structure is the retina
6. The hollow structure at the tip of the pointer is the Moll gland, a modified sweat gland
7. The tissue at the tip of the pointer is the tarsus, which lies (in that section) just above the Meibomian gland
8. The collective name of the structure is the organ of Corti, which rests on the basilar membrane
9. The rounded structures are the neurons of the ganglion spiralis, which is located in the modiolus of the cochlea
10. The fine line at the tip of the pointer is the vestibular/reissner membrane, which separates the scala vestibuli and the scala media

Anatomy:

1. M. Thyrohyoideus 
2. Vallecula epiglottica
3. Cartilago cricoideus
4. Recessus piriformis
5. Papilla circumvalata
6. M. Constrictor pharyngeus inferior
7. Foramen caecum
8. Plica vocalis
9. Ventriculus laryngis
10. Aditus tuba auditiva
11. M. Cricothyroideus
12. M. Sternohyoideus
13. A. facialis
14. N. Vagus
15. Membrana cricothyroidea

Dr *tut*, you suck !

here the story goes,
my phones were confiscated today before histo-anat exam.

i was simply taking out my phones to listen music as it was so god damn bloody noisy in the lab.
and all of a sudden, this women came up to me and she asked me to surrender my phones.
i was like WTF!!
she said ur not suppose to take out neither use phones during the examz. and prior to tat she had made the announcement.
the surroundings was so bloody noisy , so how am i suppose to hear her shit. ??!! makes sense rite.

OK FINE ! after examz, i went see her to get back my phones.
while she was returning them to me, my iphone 4 caught her attention and she pulled back. i was like errr, tats my phone too doc/dog ! She said prove it. I took it and unlocked the phone and said if im not the owner, i wouldnt hv known the passcode. She said show me a pic , so i did. Damn stupid la she.

She said this is an iphone , right.. i nodded my head.
She said, this must be very expensive. You must be rich. She was twisting, turning and admiring the phone.
I still kept silent.

Consequently, another women came by, saying "oh, the sungai wang can get cheap rather ciplak fon, it must be just one of that"

My blood boiled ! I WAS FUCKING ANNOYED !
My heart spoke : unlike you, i can always afford the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. i dont go for china model blackberry or i suppose the chiplak version , cheap fugly blackberry's ! your country is bloody back dated, not even sure whether an iphone 4 has been released yet , so STFU !

I gave a sarcastic smile and walked off her premises !

Emilia - Big Big Girl lyrics ♥

I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I can see the first leaf falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I have your arms around me ooooh like fire
But when I open my eyes
You're gone...
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do do feel that
I do do will miss you much
Miss you much...
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if you leave me
But I do feel I will miss you much
Miss you much... 

If I Had the Chance..

If I had the chance to say this straight to your face, I WOULD !!

1st, i feel that u no longer care or care less for me.
2nd, you only remember me when you're free.
3rd, you no longer feel excited about me, or maybe i bore you.
4th, my feelings are the least most important thing to you right now.
5th, you are avoiding me.
6th, maybe you found your replacement.
7th, you are way happier without me.
8th, i signify nothing to you.
9th, you love the distance.
10th, after all, i still feel the same way i felt abt you as i did at start...

sincerely me,
Jessica.

The Agony & The Ecstacy

I suffer the "title" of a long distance relationship. I hv been in this long distance relationship like for almost a year and a half , the worry and stress of it all is getting us both leading into severe depression. Trust is the biggest problem. I never did really believed in long distance relationships till i met him. Their very mechanics defies the purpose of being in a relationship: after all, what's the point of being committed to someone, if they are not actually there. 


We’ve been going through some rough patches lately over arguments about the fact we will not be able to meet each other for quite some time, hatred towards each others friends and family & lies. I do believe in this : Men do not speak with words; they speak with actions. In my case, he is doing nothing about it. So I opt for a break. 


I have this really extreme frustration, exhausting, depressing situation with my boyfriend where i can no longer pretend that i am fine when i am severely hurting on the inside. He says everything will be alright but those are just mere words which brings about no meaning to me. 


A relationship involves a massive amount of adjustments and sacrifices. These adjustments and sacrifices however, should be equally divided between the couple. A couple, who are so much in love, committed and completely honest about their feelings for each other, will surpass any obstacle that may threaten to ruin their relationship. A single suspicion will break the bond you have for each other and it is a beginning of the end if you start to suspect your partner at any point of your long distance relationship.


Those days, i was his queen.. Now, i have been replaced by someone else. And so i am feeling it so intensely, even told him about it and in return he was least bothered about it and did nothing to comfort me. Where were the good old times where we both would rush back home to skype with each other till dawn? I swear i miss those days. The times where he would fly abroad just because he misses me, is no longer the same.


Honestly, i want you back. Life is just not the same without you. I dont know why i let it go too far, starting over is so hard, seems like everywhere i try to go, i keep thinking about you. I just had a wake up call, wishing i had never let it go too far cause i am the one who pushed you away.. 


I know i must have hurt you , caused you pain..but somewhere within me, i knw we could last.. or maybe u can tell me that i am foolish to still cling onto such a believe after all that we have gone through. I just want us to work. I am still not giving up on you like how i gave up on my ex's. why? simply because u are special. you will always have a special place in my heart. 


Call me if you happened to read this. Most of all, call me if you still need me..
I guess you just dont knw hw much it hurts, maybe thats why you never stopped me while i was walking away from you. When we were together, you'd always say u will love me forever. i guess its easier to lie after all. I still miss you and i love you. A confession from my heart : I never meant to put our love on hold. 




there is no happiness greater then ur love,
sincerely me..

OMG ! Exams are over !!

I'm going out to have fun straight after my examz. lalala
Ist, will be the overnight stay with my buddies.
2nd, will be the pool party..
3rd, more happening if we cud hit the clubz !! ( that aint happening )
I just so love it after examz, what a happening season to be..

The stress is all over,  Feels so good to shout and let the stress out.
Gotta catch some good sleep
Sweet dreams everyone..


Rejoiced soul,
Jessica

Crispy Hash Browns

Oh, how i love hash browns... hash browns drives me crazy.. and Im god damn addicted to it.. Hash browns is a must meal for breakfast and tea time. No hash browns = no life !! That speaks of how much Im in love with it. Well the hash brown i eat is the frozen - fried ones.. I am so addicted to hash browns tat i might as well learn how to make it from scratch. Now thats my goal !! hehehe..

Homemade hash browns actually dont take long to prepare. And they are always a hit at breakfast, brunch or even dinner ! Here are 6 easy and simple ways to make hash browns from scratch.

1. Peel potatoes and coarsely shred them.
2. Rinse the shreded potatoes and pat dry them with paper towels.
3. Combine the potatoes, onions, salt and pepper.
4. Melt butter in a large skillet over medium heat.
5. Using a spatula, pat potato mixture into skillet, reduce heat and cook abt 10 minutes until bottom is crisp.
6. Cut into 4 wedges, turn and cook for another 8 to 10 minutes or until golden and the potatoes are cooked.        
    SERVE!





Hash brown Freak,
Jessica.

Prevent Hair Loss !

I am starting to find my hair floating under the shower after shampooing. And my comb has more hair everyday. The reason simply goes as such, im stressed, lack of a balanced diet, irregular sleeping patterns and most probably the wrong choice of hair care products.

So here are some simple ways to prevent hair falls..

1. Reduce the excessive use of hair dyes, hair dryer, and hair styling products.

2. Adopt an easy hairstyle.

3. Include protein rich diet.

4. Consume food rich in calcium.

5. Do not compromise 7 hours of sleeping pattern.

6. Hair care products should be chosen carefully.

7. Quit habits such as smoking and consumption of alcohol.

8. Use herbal products.

reducing hair loss by,

Jessica.

Examz Disasters !

Exams begins in a few days time. Mid exam for Neuro.
And i can proudly say, i've got a lot more to go..
This sem hasn't been good to me.. I've got more downs then actually ups..
But its ok, i presume its all part and partial of life.
Studying as a medical student here is no longer the same, no longer fun.
I hope i pass thru all these years successfully and be a great doctor in future.

Distorted Emotions :(

I feel like screaming out my pain.. :(

Its been too painful lately..:(

I've been facing rejections by friends..

And the scars he left me has not healed yet..

Longing to be with him and get things back right where they were...

Nothings been the same..

Everythings so different now.. :(

My heart is aching and breaking..

I just need someone to cheer me up, encourage me and be with me through my painful times..

I've lost peace..

I cant sleep, I cant eat, Im hopeless.. :(

My nights are getting colder and colder..

Sitting alone here in my room..

Thinking about the good times..

I wish i had it all back..

My parents are not here with me..

Im alone in this foreign land with no one..

Everyones wound is healing..

But mine is gushing..:(

Its too painful for me to bear it all alone..

So im writing this hoping me pain may ease a little.

Or maybe I'm just a mistake of life..

my endless suffering,

Jessica..

My biggest heartbreak

You're an Alien

Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me
Infect me with your love and
Fill me with your poison

Take me, ta-ta-take me
Wanna be a victim
Ready for abduction

Boy, you're an alien
Your touch are foreign
It's supernatural
Extraterrestrial

HAHAHA! no one likes you !

face fact my dearies..

no one likes you..

you were in the rain and we here going HAHAHA..

you wanna know why..

certainly u knw why..

its because of your dirty attitude , you damn it!

and d'uh, we rock, you suck.

and we confess, we do not like you.

end of story, good bye, the END !!

You Ruined My Morning!

trust me, i hate you more then anything now!

after a whole bloody day of ignorance the day before and you expect me to be normal to you??

you useless piece of soul!

i do way better without you.

i will prove the fact that if you can live without me, i can always do the same!!

the weekend is around the corner..

and im havin a break from YOU!

i have to come to terms that your behaviour aint gonna affect me anymore!

just as much as you despised me, i will DESPISE you !!

GOOD-BYE MY LOVE !!

sincerely written by,

you aint affecting me anymore,

Jessica.

And Now You Know Why Things Just Has To Happen Behind Your Back!

Look people,

im 20 going on 21! and in no time i wil be 21, off on my own! now, tats by law you see. so for gods sake, please stop controlling my life! i am NO LONGER a kid , damn it ! realise that!

Next,

here, im trying by level best to be truthful to you, but thanks to you who will not let me. nevermind, God wil forgive. Just so you know, things will have no choice but to happen behind your back. dont blame me, im bloody innocent !

Apparently,

i know what im doing is right. so your approval isnt needed. i do what i like and tat is out of your concern. if i turn to you, then i may be in need of your help and on the contrary if i dont, it only means your help is not needed AT ALL! u hear me?

Besides,

i wanna confess that i seriously hate the way im being treated right now. i have a life on my own. and u freaking stay away from me. i never like you intruding into my personal life! why? because its personal, you fool.

Nevertheless,

i will still obey you not because i dont have a choice but im thought to do so. BUT , that doesnt mean i have to give in to each and everything you say. our minds and thoughts do not match , so yeah, face FACT!

Last but not least,

you only say this is just mere friendship , but then why do you say if you really LOVE him you must kneel and pray for him. you are only contradicting your 1st statement made which is of no sense.

Post script,

you old people are merely of no sense at all to me.

With Heartaches and Misery,

Jessica.

Oh My LiKe !

A Guy Had A Crush On This Girl He followed her wherever she went.
One day the girl noticed and asked the guy.

Girl: Why do you keep following me?
Boy: Because you're so pretty and I think I'm falling in love with you.
Girl: Really? But you haven't met my friend yet. She's prettier then me and she's right behind you.
(The Boy Turns Around)
Boy: Are you making fun of me? There's no one behind me.
Girl: No, but if you really loved me, you wouldn't even bother

2011 resolutions !!

1. i will no longer waste my time relieving my past, instead i will spend it worrying about the future.

2. i will think of more new excuses to skip classes, be inovative..

3. i will try to spend more time with family and friends and less time with boyfriend.

4. enjoy life more, eat, drink and make merry.

5. help others except my enemies.

6. concentrate more on studies.

7. be more independent.

8. be less grumpy.

9. say no to roadside food.

10. plan for a beautiful night out - clubbing !