The Perfect Boyfriend

He calls her every single day and calls her back even when she hangs up
He hugs her when she is down and tells her everything is going to be alright
He tells her she is the most importand thing in his life and means every word of it
he wipes her tears away and makes her feel complete and secure
he lets all his frens knw that she is the most beautiful girl in his life
he doesnt mind giving up his favorite tv show or miss his best friends party just to spend time with her
he holds her hands and walks with her in the rain
he tells her every moment that he loves her and never gets bored of telling it over and over again
he kisses her when she is angry and immediately the problems go away
he looks her in the eye and tell her how much she means to him
he pledges to marry her and her alone
he is willing to do anything just to catch a glimpse of her when she is far away
he waits all night with her when she is studying for an important exam the next day
he encourages her not to give up when all else seems frail
he understands how she feels when shes not saying a word
he vows never ever to let her go
he never hurts her, he never makes her cry , he never betrays her
he is the perfect boyfriend

Too bad for us girls, he doesnt exist..

Love and Friendships

When you stop believing in love because of a broken heart, its often hard to start over without having remnants from the past. However, when you meet someone that pulls at your heart strings and knows you better then yourself, you start to question where were you and where you are heading...
 
After being hurt for a a very long time, I just didnt know how to love again... I didnt want to love again.. He was my friend and we were friends for a long time.. And now im falling for him.. Im writing this because he showed me happiness and laughter in the phase of misery..

Honestly, i had shut the door to my heart, I didnt wanna let anyone in anymore.. I had trusted and loved only to be hurt. I locked the door to my heart and tossed the key hard and as far as i could..

Then he came into my life and changed my mind.. He showed me what was possible when it seemed so hard at first.. He was always there when i needed comfort..He knew my pain..He saw right through my heart that i was broken...He patiently listened to me and sometimes i would just vent my anger on him..

When he confessed exactly how he felt about me... i realised that some people just love you for who you are.. Ever since then, i have been holding my heart not to break in his presence. I couldnt afford to lose this friendship.. But lately, i caught myself swimming in his eyes , so lost in his presence...I was already replacing friendship with love...

I cannot be myself around him anymore.. I cannot love completely with this broken heart... Im so lost and i dont knw what to do.. I just cant stop thinking about you..


Sincerely,
Jessica

We built it up, to watch it fall..

I cant hate you anymore - Nick Lachey

This song is dedicated to that one person whos no longer in my life..

You fucked up my life. Made it impossible to trust anybody. You were my entire life. I hate you and love you at the same time. This is the end of us. Im just sick of being led around in circles. You ruined us and im done fighting. I gave and gave the best of me but couldnt give you what u need. I never knew that until now..Therefore im letting go of everything we were but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt.. 

I just cant hate you anymore,

Jessica

Confession

I have been a slave to Love for the past 35 months.. I was tied up in chains and there was no escape..Finally, i managed to break free... You were the boy who made me feel loved but that was prior before everything got so screwed up. My happiness with you became a temporary feeling. I had been making excuses for you for the past 35 months thinking you were the perfect one..But now its all bullshit.

I cant revolve around my life around someone who im just an option to. I have learnt throughout all of this, i may not be as mature but im sure as hell deserve better then you.
This guy came into my life when me and my ex started drifting apart till we broke up. This guy is hot, tall and sweet .. a charm..I felt so taken for granted and under appreciated when i was with my ex..But now i have someone who treats me like a princess.  I feel so free and confident..

Someone once told me, he is not worth your time and your tears. Why should you spend your time sitting at home bawling your eyes out wondering where he is and who is he with. Do you honestly think he is thinking about you. Of course NO. The fact that he is falling in and out of love with other girls. Screw him and his girlfriend. When he finally sees you with some other guy whos not him , your boyfriend holding you so close, the girl of his dreams. He will realise the huge mistake when he let you go. So dont go on spending your nights waiting for that one phone call you know your never gonna get. Or that IM he will never send because he likes to ignore you.. He pretends not to see you online because he know its gonna affect you. It will hurt when you see her name in his profile and how much he is in love with her. Knowing youre not the girl who makes him smile. Knowing your not the face on his background of his phone anymore. Knowing he has already deleted the albums of pictures of you. Sooner you will realise that he is no longer is the person you'll call when your upset. You will also realise he is no longer the one who puts a smile on your face. And finally you'll realise your heart no longer belongs to him but someone elses..


Confession of the heart,
Jessica.

Finally :)

I considered this day ( nov 30th , 2012 ) rather an important day to me..I started this month with my birthday and ended the month with completing my thesis successfully.. My examiner today was in a super good mood today!! Good for me !! :)

I was trembling all morning as to how the day will go.. I did not have a rather happy start to this day.. I was emotionally weakened.. My friends were there to support me, I felt encouraged. When i saw them, i felt much relaxed.. It meant something to me.. I presented my Final assignment and at last it was time for the verdict.. I was asked to leave the room as the 3 examiners decided if i should pass or fail..Those 10 minutes of waiting was like waiting for eternity.. I was super tense and restless..

Finally they called me in, *lub dup lub dup*

The head of examiner just asked me 2 questions , do you think your presentation went well? Do you think you deserve to pass? I said YES !! She gave me a look which portrayed as if she didnt agree with me.. Then she sighed and said " WE THINK SO TOO, congrats Jessica, you have finally succeded !!.., with a super huge smile.. I just couldnt retain the joy i felt inside.. After more then a year of hardwork and struggle, every effort paid off.. :)

As i walked away back home, i was thinking to myself, this is one of the most happy moment of my life. And how i wished i could share my joy with the person i used to... It would have completed my joy.. :(

These Scars Doesnt Show

Im trying to write this all down, to get it off my mind, the pain i feel inside is unbearable.. We fight and fight and fight till i dont even know if its worth fighting any much longer. Insecurity issues, overwhelming sense of jealousy within, over controlling, unfairness, contradicting piles of arguements...i no longer understand whats happening to us.. Maybe it is meant to be, maybe it is not..

For a single moment in my life, i want to feel like my heart isnt about to explode, i would want to tell you please not to go.. Not all scars shows, not all wounds heal. I hope you can see the pain i feel inside because only you can set me free from this misery.. It hurts to see your doing completely okay without me or maybe i did really mean nothing to you after all..

The worst feeling isnt feeling lonely but but being forgotten by someone you cant forget.. If possessiveness is the outcome of true love then anger and jealousy is the outcome of true care. But you have never realize it.. I always thought this pain is temporary and our love is forever, but you have made it the other way round.. I just cant erase you off my life, you have become something permanent in my life.. It is heartbreaking that you are completely aware you have hurt me but still dont care..

Everybody says love hurts. But its completely untrue. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, betrayal hurts, lying hurts and most of all losing you hurts like HELL !! Im not a perfect person, i have made a lot of mistakes, some are made intentionally and some are made not intentionally.. But i have still loved you with all my heart and i cant imagine the day that i'll stop loving you. I feel like this pan is gonna last forever and this hurt might most probably never go away.. I dont know what to do but cry...

The pain of holding on is much greater then the pain of letting go.. and this i might experience till the end of us...I have come to a point where i have loved you too much, that even it hurts to stay but i will keep holding on till you have let me go completely..

If only i knew all this then, i would have never fallen for you..

scars from a wounded heart,
Jessica

One Mistake Can Change So Many Things..

Despite how much we spoke about it, things just cannot go back to the way it was before.. I had so much of respect on you. I thought you were different, something that i could be proud of. But then i realised, guys will remain guys. At least they own up to it, but u pretended that you were different. No matter how much i want it or even want this relationship , maybe i deserve better. I want to put an end to this fake relationship.I dont feel loved, instead you made use of me every possible ways can.

They say first relationship can never last. It was indeed true for me, because mine ended. I honestly thought that your would be different but since its your first, i can pretty much see the ending line already.

7 November

This day last year was a very painful day to remember .... It was a day where i lost a friend , a brother ...that morning we sat in circle with our clicks , eating and laughing .. little did i knw it was our last meal together .. that afternoon we had discussion .. we were in different groups . usually in the afternoon , the moment my discussion ended i would straight away rush home . it didnt matter whether it was raining or stormy or sunshine or even tsunami !!! but tat day was different .. i decided to wait .. it was unusual of me but i just waited in the round circle ... and even after u came out , we were laughing n chit-chatting on what to get for our frens upcoming bithday .. i still remember u wanted to get her a dress in order to look more lady-like.. i guess it was the rain who kept us there that day ... Finally it was time to leave .. i said goodbye gave u a hi5 and left .. That was the last time seeing you alive :'(

That afternoon was dull ... a sense of loneliness ive never felt before ... the day was no longer right to me ... i received the call at 8 .... i was petrified and i couldnt believe what i heard !! i immediately got in a cab .. and i was wishing all the way that it was a dream .. i wanted to see you ... you were there wen i arrived but the police had sealed the area by then n ambulance came ... i was crying so much ... you left us without saying goodbye .. why did you go when you said ull be always there for us when we needed someone :'(

i saw u the next afternoon , after the autopsy .. i held your hand .. it was cold ..so cold ... nothing  was ever the same after that ... i am independent now ... i hv no one to turn to wen im down .. theres no more laughter in the air .. if only these tears could build a stairway to heaven and bring you back :'( :'( :'(

I've Learned

Today, I've learned that no matter how much you care, some people just dont care back.. And it hurts when that someone is actually some you love.. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world just doesnt stop   for your grief..

They dont call, text, or come by like they said they would. and yet another lonely night you spend with yourself..The pain and hurt bypasses your heart and cuts into your soul.. When you've cried a river with your tears, given your all, tried and tried, cried too many times ..when you've been on an emotional roller coaster happy, sad, depressed and mad..you care about that someone more then you actually care for yourself.. Your feelings are ignored and that person just doesnt seem to care abt you anymore..

Escaping Difficult Situations

Lately, i have been experiencing so much of pain and misery in life.. 2days ago, i received a shocking news about my 19 year old cousin sis committing suicide.. The image of her body still lingers through my mind.. Secondly, being rejected and mocked by loved ones.. The pain is just unbearable... All i do is hide my feelings and agonize on the inside..

Sometimes, i talk out my problems to a friend or a loved one.. They listen and you feel better because you have talked things through but You dont really experience a lasting peace.. All you have to do is deal with wats inside of you.. and wat ur holding on unto...

One of the toughest thing to do is admitting Im wrong and and admit to the Lord that i've sinned..The question is how do you free yourself from sin..

First , admit and say to God that Im wrong. Human nature hasnt changed.. But you need to admit to God.

Secondly, say to God that your sorry.. it isnt simply saying ur sorry in order to make urself feel better.. You say it and u mean it.. In 2nd Corinthians 7:9-13, the world sorrow brings death but a Godly sorrow brings life.

Thirdly, God forgive me.. Not because you feel guilty and you want to feel better. You need to say from your heart.. And you'll knw Gods forgiveness when ur able to go on and say God , cleanse me.. Im not just wanting a relief from sin but a changed life.

God fills you with his spirit... and u can experience a peace that passes all understanding, and the kind of joy that is humanly impossible to attain..

JUMP 2 experience

I had no idea what was this JUMP  2 all about. I received an invitation via fb one day inviting me to this event. I merely took this oppurtunity to go galavanting and lepaking with my bf. So i thought. But then i was so wrong. It was truly a life changing experience. I had been a christian 22 years of my life. Born into a christian home, raised by a christian family. But till today, i have never experienced Jesus in my life. In my younger days, i read the bible and prayed out of habit, not because i wanted to. It was like a 'rule' living as a christian. I had no experience of God or whatsoever in my life. In my youth, ever since i started my journey as to become a doctor, i drifted very far from God. There was a time in my life, my lowest point actually , May 3rd, 2012, i cursed God and said he didnt exist. My soul was already dead by then. There were many parts of my life, when i hear the devil tells me that im doomed for hell and my life is screwed. And the devil reminds me daily that im a sinner and im doomed for hell. I only focused on my studies and nothing else mattered. I never received any blessing in my life.
Today, during the JUMP 2 concert, i literally heard God speaking to me. He told me two things. 1st , my sins are all forgiven and 2nd, my name is written in the book of Life.. i was overjoyed when i heard that. Tears was already flowing, it was tears of joy.. God has not forgotten me yet although i have sin and sinned and sinned. I asked God to change my life. In faith i knw my life will never be the same again.. Im looking forward to live a life which pleases God.. Thank you Jesus.. Today i realised, Jesus has never failed me.. :)

I Want My Prince

Girl : I'm having my operation now. I love you.
the girl lays on operation bed. boy stands there with wattery eyes without saying I love you too. girl finishes heart transplant, the boy is gone.
Girl : Nurse, where is he?
Nurse : they didnt tell you whos heart they gave you?
the nurse gave the girl a note which read " i told you it was always yours.."..
awww...this story is heartbreaking...

Me WEIGHT ..

Ever since the break up in May, i have been so bloody depressed and i've been losing weight, tremendously. I was 45kg back then, now only 38kg. My BMI is way below underweight   , only 13.3.

Here's to those idiots who doesnt knw how to interprete BMI yet.
 Interpreting Your BMI

BMI	Weight Category
Under 18.5	Underweight
18.5- 24.9	Healthy Weight
25 - 29.9	Overweight
30 or over	Obese

Hence , from today onwards, im not putting my happiness in the hands of others. I do what i like, I do what i want to keep me contented and happy. Cheers to the new me !! 

p/s : where sadness and misery no longer exist in my life. :)

Time After Time

Lying in my bed i hear the clock tick..and think of you..
caught up in circles... confusion..is nothing new..
flashback...warm nights..almost left behind..
suitcases of memories. time after..
sometimes you picture me..im walking too far ahead..
you're calling to me..i cant hear what you've said..
then you say ..go slow..
i fall behind..the second hand unwinds..
if you're lost , you can look - you'll find me..
time after time..
if you fall i will catch you..
I'LL BE WAITING....

It’s Over Now

You know i did this for a reason. You very well know im not stupid or blind. You know i realize what you're up to. When i say that now is the time. Cause this time i finally got it. Cause this time i opened my eyes and saw you were not worth anything. Cause this time i got into my shoes and you're not my guy, not even my type. So you can go home and pout all you want. I dont give a damn about you anymore. You can cry or try persuading me . But you know Im already gone, already moved on. Your words are full of lies and your crocodile tears will not shake me.

Come Back :(

Dear Adrian,
I miss you so much. Life is no longer the same. Where are you ??  I'm no longer the happy person you used to see before. I dont even know what happiness means. Im so troubled lately, and i have no one.. I still remember the times when i was so depressed, all i had to do is buzz you with a message and the next minute, I would hear your bike hons in front of my house. We would go far away for STMJ and just talk it through. Adrian, i broke up with him. I'm so heartbroken. I still remember the times you said we make a happy couple. Now that you have left, everythings changed. Adrian, today i found out he is in love with another girl. The girl is not me. Why did he have to go and hurt me so bad.. Im so devastated. I feel like my heart has been stabbed several times. You said things would be alright !! Did you mean alright when you were still here and messed up when you're no longer around. Adrian, why did you leave all of us.. ? :( :( :( Come back please, come back !! Today i flung my anat GI. I was hopeless in the exam hall. Instead of focusing, i was crying :( 

I miss smiling and laughing , like this.. Life is no longer the same now... If only my tears can build a pathway straight to heaven, i would go and bring you back right now.You left a deep scar in all of our hearts. You were my best friend, my best brother and my best motivator..  Im losing hope and theres no one turn to ,Adrian..Come back , please.. :( :( :( I can no longer stand the life here on earth.. Come and take me with you. Theres no other place i would rather be right now except where you are..

If These Walls Could Talk

That rose is crying, The gardener cuts it instead of buying. And no one is gonna mend that broken rose. What i am to say.. My wings are unfolded yet never allowed to fly. Another day just like yesterday and the day before. Screams are more like a song of deafness to me now..
The way today went was devastating. It was the mind over matter. I was trapped in my mind. A place cannot be reached. You made me feel right when i felt so small. But today everything went away.
If these walls could talk, you would know by now my body is dead. my mind has been taken over and thats why i am so scared. i cannot control how i feel and anger is making me blind. i've been left here on my own chained to the hate of some kind. I am alone, so very alone. i am hurt so very bad. i am ignored, just thrown aside. i am lonely theres no one close, no one sees the pain. i cry for hope is gone. And no one knws.

Life Changing List

Reasons why I SHOULD accept him	Reasons why I SHOULD NOT accept him
Ø  He makes me feel complete	Ø  My family are now against this relationship
Ø  He doesn’t make me feel lonely	Ø  He is extremely hot tempered
Ø  I can talk to him almost about anything and everything	Ø  His priority are friends and football
Ø  Im able to go on getaway holidays	Ø  He hurt me so badly in the past, my life was almost over
Ø  He makes me happy at times	Ø  He humiliated me and my family in public
Ø  He can be fun and caring	Ø  He criticized my friends on facebook and ruined my friendship
Ø  He ‘was’ sincere ( now cheating with esha  )	Ø  He cheated on me with esha . captioned it ‘baby esha’
Ø  Sporting	Ø  He is judgemental and full of assumptions
Ø  Lovable	Ø  Over- controlling
	Ø  Unfair / unreasonable
	Ø  Not romantic
	Ø  He has the power of breaking my heart !!
	Ø  He proved me love was a fucked up feeling
	Ø  He showed me love doesn’t really exist
	Ø  Too sensitive
	Ø  Selfish

Purest of Pain

My all time fav emo song since i was 13. It was my the time experiencing a real love heart break and even now at the age of 22, i still feel the same.

Im sorry i didnt mean to call you but i couldnt fight it
i guess i was weak and couldnt even hide it
so i surrender just to hear your voice..
I know how many times i said im gonna live without you
maybe someone else is standing there beside you
but theres something baby that you need to knw..
and deep inside me i feel like im dying
i have to see you, its all that im asking..

give me back my fantasies
the courage that i need to live
the air tat i breathe
carino mio, my world becomes so empty
my days are cold and lonely
each night i taste
the purest of pain

i wish i cud tell u im feeling better every day
tat it didnt hurt wen u walk away
but to tell u the truth i cant find my way
but deep inside i feel like im dying
i have to see you its all that im asking

SMILE

Smile for you know you're beautiful.. therefore as long as i live, i will smile always.. And no one can ever take away my smile.. :)

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The Pink Me

This is what i do when i get bored...In addition when insomnia strikes !! 

 

Heart Broken by a Heartless Soul

I thought you were the one that would make my life complete.. Well, I thought wrong. You only brought me misery. And you proved me that your just exactly like those 3 jerks i dated in the past. !! I loved you alot and all you did was hurt me.. I dont know what went wrong but you really left me with an aching heart. No one can love you like i did because you are as soulless as ever...remember the times when i said i loved you, you said fuck off.. Now i see clearly, love is only a fucked up feeling. Its an emotion for the poor, the weak, and the uneducated !! I cried a million times for you. But now i realise i have wasted tears on something that is not worth crying over. No matter how hard i fought this battle, this battle was to lose. You are born without a heart. Love is only a game to you. Well, now it is to me..!! I wasnt stupid in love, I was in love with a monster that didnt treat me right !! I dont deserve this and thats why it had to come to an end. The hurt is just too much .
I just cant write anymore. I hate you for playing games with my heart. Trust me, karma wil hit u back one day. My mind keeps replaying how you played me like a stupid clown. I should have seen the emptiness in your eyes. But like an idiot, i kept believing your stupid lies. You have scared me for life. For the next man, i wouldnt be able to open my heart to. All the times and memories we have spent together , you even said we'd be forever. It was all lies !! I hope you are happy for what you did to me.. You used to be my greatest treasure but now ur just one of the broken piece of glass , not worth of love anymore !!

Fuck Love !!

And if 2moro never comes...

we all remember this lyric part of a song...and if 2moro never comes, will he know how much i loved him..did i try in every way to show him every day..

alright, cut the crap !!!

2moro morning i will be flying back to indon... i dont wanna go back !!! ouch it hurts!! i hate this feeling...
mummy was feeding me just now.. and she asked me, whos gonna feed you 2moro, i just said no one..and tears started rolling down my cheecks...she kinda saw my tears and immediately changed the topic...

i feel like im losing my mind... i use to have someone whom i can turn to when i feel down...but that person is no longer there... so when i feel like crying, i just cry... my examz are around the corner...i gotta prepare for it..

this heartbreak kills..but i hv to deal with it.. if you dont wanna be apart of my world, then leave !
my emotions are all just catching up wit me.. i wonder when it will all come to an end.





p/s : this thought frequently crosses my mind :(

A note from Mummy

GOOD MORNING TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE UNIVERSE.....JESSICA SHARMILA .
YOU ARE STRONG,INTELLIGENT, POWERFUL, YOU HAVE US  AND YOU THEREFORE MUST BE HAPPY
LIVE A GOOD LIFE
LIVE A HAPPY LIFE,
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, ONE BY ONE
LET NO ONE TAKE YOUR HAPPINESS FROM YOU.......YOU DESERVE TO BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE GOD IN YOU AND YOU ARE NOT LONELY!!!!!!
JUST REMEMBER......YOUR FAMILY IS ALWAYS BESIDE YOU AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU.....SO GAL....HAVE A BLESSED DAY.
START YOUR DAY WITH A SMILE    AND.......
END YOUR DAY WITH A BLESSING........LET'S HAVE A GOOD START THIS DAY!!!!!
REMEMBER YOUR SUNDAY SCHOOL SONG MUMMY TAUGHT YOU:-
THIS IS THE DAY, THIS IS THE DAY, THAT THE GOD HAS MADE
THAT THE LORD HAS MADE,   LET US REJOICE, LET US REJOICE  AND BE GLAD IN IT, AND BE GLAD IN IT.
FOR THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS  MADE, LET US REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT.
THIS IS THE DAY, THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE.
(angel) GOD BLESS YOU



p/s : this is a note written to me by my mummy.. mummy, i love you so much... my world feels so empty mummy... mummy, this is my lowest and weakest point in my life.. mummy i go to bed crying and i wake up screaming in pain... mummy, i only have you... dont leave me mummy...

Just about Everything

Im writing almost about anything, everything..

To me, it has been sleepless nights, endless thoughts disturbing my mind.. to top it all off, i have my thesis going on.. well, i have completed til chapter 4 which still needs to be revised again and again and i wil never know when it will end. my both doctors arent really bad though ..but i still prefer a more easy go one. I have no idea how to start off chapter 5. i have to deal with a whole load of experiment , at the same time i dont wanna sacrifice my holidays just to play with some aedes and pandan leaves. hell no way!
Im enjoying malaysian food almost every other day although im still here.. amazing isnt it. expensive though but worth it. now , tats no longer an excuse for me to run home unless i miss my family and my dog.
The weather has been incredibly hot these past few days. and i have been indulging myself in ice cold water but still it isnt helping. I wud be sweating it out moments later.
My study materials has been piling up and i cud care no less about it. Im not saying im lazy but people out there are enjoying parties in their youthful years and here i am dating and sleeping with piles of books. insanity !! I have wasted my teen years and in hell no way my twenties are going out the window as well. People dont stay that young for too long and im no exception.
Im desiring to go on a holiday basis. take a time out and just relax, free from stress. Enjoying sitting by the beach, enjoying the cold breeze and maybe perhaps a cold drink with an OH group by its molecule ..
Figuratively people are getting more old and boring around me. Like seriously, dont they have a life. Come on, we are not living in the 50's anymore. grow up, Evolve !
Right now, im just starring at the black ink. I knw, its pathetic. but i cannot find anything that interest me more than that at the moment. screw life.

I - Sarcastic

Complications

I'm so bloody frustrated writing this down. He controls my life but i cant control his. All I did was to care but all i get is yelling. Genting n Bandung is on its way. And its time to get drunk n wasted to forget life for a moment . Im so damn sick of heartaches. Im in a relationship and he doesnt LOVE me.