Finally :)

I considered this day ( nov 30th , 2012 ) rather an important day to me..I started this month with my birthday and ended the month with completing my thesis successfully.. My examiner today was in a super good mood today!! Good for me !! :)

I was trembling all morning as to how the day will go.. I did not have a rather happy start to this day.. I was emotionally weakened.. My friends were there to support me, I felt encouraged. When i saw them, i felt much relaxed.. It meant something to me.. I presented my Final assignment and at last it was time for the verdict.. I was asked to leave the room as the 3 examiners decided if i should pass or fail..Those 10 minutes of waiting was like waiting for eternity.. I was super tense and restless..

Finally they called me in, *lub dup lub dup*

The head of examiner just asked me 2 questions , do you think your presentation went well? Do you think you deserve to pass? I said YES !! She gave me a look which portrayed as if she didnt agree with me.. Then she sighed and said " WE THINK SO TOO, congrats Jessica, you have finally succeded !!.., with a super huge smile.. I just couldnt retain the joy i felt inside.. After more then a year of hardwork and struggle, every effort paid off.. :)

As i walked away back home, i was thinking to myself, this is one of the most happy moment of my life. And how i wished i could share my joy with the person i used to... It would have completed my joy.. :(

These Scars Doesnt Show

Im trying to write this all down, to get it off my mind, the pain i feel inside is unbearable.. We fight and fight and fight till i dont even know if its worth fighting any much longer. Insecurity issues, overwhelming sense of jealousy within, over controlling, unfairness, contradicting piles of arguements...i no longer understand whats happening to us.. Maybe it is meant to be, maybe it is not..

For a single moment in my life, i want to feel like my heart isnt about to explode, i would want to tell you please not to go.. Not all scars shows, not all wounds heal. I hope you can see the pain i feel inside because only you can set me free from this misery.. It hurts to see your doing completely okay without me or maybe i did really mean nothing to you after all..

The worst feeling isnt feeling lonely but but being forgotten by someone you cant forget.. If possessiveness is the outcome of true love then anger and jealousy is the outcome of true care. But you have never realize it.. I always thought this pain is temporary and our love is forever, but you have made it the other way round.. I just cant erase you off my life, you have become something permanent in my life.. It is heartbreaking that you are completely aware you have hurt me but still dont care..

Everybody says love hurts. But its completely untrue. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, betrayal hurts, lying hurts and most of all losing you hurts like HELL !! Im not a perfect person, i have made a lot of mistakes, some are made intentionally and some are made not intentionally.. But i have still loved you with all my heart and i cant imagine the day that i'll stop loving you. I feel like this pan is gonna last forever and this hurt might most probably never go away.. I dont know what to do but cry...

The pain of holding on is much greater then the pain of letting go.. and this i might experience till the end of us...I have come to a point where i have loved you too much, that even it hurts to stay but i will keep holding on till you have let me go completely..

If only i knew all this then, i would have never fallen for you..

scars from a wounded heart,
Jessica

One Mistake Can Change So Many Things..

Despite how much we spoke about it, things just cannot go back to the way it was before.. I had so much of respect on you. I thought you were different, something that i could be proud of. But then i realised, guys will remain guys. At least they own up to it, but u pretended that you were different. No matter how much i want it or even want this relationship , maybe i deserve better. I want to put an end to this fake relationship.I dont feel loved, instead you made use of me every possible ways can.

They say first relationship can never last. It was indeed true for me, because mine ended. I honestly thought that your would be different but since its your first, i can pretty much see the ending line already.

7 November

This day last year was a very painful day to remember .... It was a day where i lost a friend , a brother ...that morning we sat in circle with our clicks , eating and laughing .. little did i knw it was our last meal together .. that afternoon we had discussion .. we were in different groups . usually in the afternoon , the moment my discussion ended i would straight away rush home . it didnt matter whether it was raining or stormy or sunshine or even tsunami !!! but tat day was different .. i decided to wait .. it was unusual of me but i just waited in the round circle ... and even after u came out , we were laughing n chit-chatting on what to get for our frens upcoming bithday .. i still remember u wanted to get her a dress in order to look more lady-like.. i guess it was the rain who kept us there that day ... Finally it was time to leave .. i said goodbye gave u a hi5 and left .. That was the last time seeing you alive :'(

That afternoon was dull ... a sense of loneliness ive never felt before ... the day was no longer right to me ... i received the call at 8 .... i was petrified and i couldnt believe what i heard !! i immediately got in a cab .. and i was wishing all the way that it was a dream .. i wanted to see you ... you were there wen i arrived but the police had sealed the area by then n ambulance came ... i was crying so much ... you left us without saying goodbye .. why did you go when you said ull be always there for us when we needed someone :'(

i saw u the next afternoon , after the autopsy .. i held your hand .. it was cold ..so cold ... nothing  was ever the same after that ... i am independent now ... i hv no one to turn to wen im down .. theres no more laughter in the air .. if only these tears could build a stairway to heaven and bring you back :'( :'( :'(

I've Learned

Today, I've learned that no matter how much you care, some people just dont care back.. And it hurts when that someone is actually some you love.. No matter how bad your heart is broken, the world just doesnt stop   for your grief..

They dont call, text, or come by like they said they would. and yet another lonely night you spend with yourself..The pain and hurt bypasses your heart and cuts into your soul.. When you've cried a river with your tears, given your all, tried and tried, cried too many times ..when you've been on an emotional roller coaster happy, sad, depressed and mad..you care about that someone more then you actually care for yourself.. Your feelings are ignored and that person just doesnt seem to care abt you anymore..